Tag Archives: Relationships

Self-improvement lesson 2. It’s not you, it’s them!

This is perhaps the most powerful lesson I’ve learned. I guess we’ve all been in situations where we’ve been unfairly criticized by someone we know, or being knocked down about our ambitions and goals for no reason. And unless you know you’re receiving some form of constructive criticism, I can almost certainly tell you that the negativity you receive is the insecurities and envies of the person doing it.


This should really make sense. We’ve all been in a place where we might envy somebody, generally had a shitty day, or just felt that everyone else seems to do so much better than us, and come with crass remarks we don’t really mean when someone is being all positive. Or if not, the thoughts of what you’d like to say to them might have been there. But it can be very easy to forget this. Especially if the person knocking you down is someone close to you and if the thing they’re discouraging you from is a dream you’ve had for a long time.


When I decided to pursue my music, I received quite a few negative comments. Some of them were concerns for my wellbeing, but in hindsight I know a number of the comments were envy from people who’d never had the guts to pursue their dreams or people who had failed as musicians.


The next time somebody is being especially harsh towards you, just stop for a second and put yourself in their shoes, or try to see it from their point of view. Instead of getting defensive, ask yourself what’s going on in their life for them to be the way they are. You’ll probably still feel hurt by their words, but you’ll save a lot of energy that you might previously have used to analyse why, how and are they right. Constructive criticism usually comes out of good conversations and has a whole different feel to it. And whilst we never need to be knocked down, a dose of honest criticism is something we should appreciate.


I’ve also noticed that some people thrive on fighting and constant disagreement, because it’s a way for them to keep you in their life. Especially if they know that you wouldn’t necessarily be there otherwise, if you have nothing in common. So in some twisted way, it can be a compliment if someone is constantly aggressive towards you. But whether you’d like such a presence in your life is up to you. I know I can’t deal with it, because it drains my energy. So I move away from those situations. I firmly believe that if someone is meant to be in your life for more than a season or a reason, they will come back. In this instance, meaning that those people who approach you with negativity will come back to you differently. And if not, it’s okay. Especially if you’ve done what’s in your power to improve things.

Love letter to my future husband

I don’t know who he might be yet, but this is for him.

Lucky me. I’m married to you. My best friend. I thought I’d never ever find someone like you. I’ve kissed many I thought were princes who only turned out to be frogs. But you were different.

We never started out as lovers… We were friends. I even used to talk to you about other girls and other relationships. And you advised me when I had man problems. Then one day, it just happened. It’s hard to say exactly when. Maybe after having sat up nights in a row talking about everything and nothing. Or maybe it was when we were jamming together. It doesn’t matter. It happened and my best friend became my boyfriend, fiancé and husband.

I love you because you allow me to be who I am. You confide in me, coming to me with dilemmas from your working life, or your friendships. My opinions matter to you as yours matter to me.

I love you, because you never make me feel alienated or lonely. Sure. We both have busy lives due to the careers we chose. But you always set aside time for us. And you keep my happiness and wellbeing a high priority, which makes doing the same for you so easy and enjoyable.

I love you, because you don’t strive for me to become an obedient and submissive wife and baby making machine. You see me as your ally, and equal. You understand how important my career is to me and I know that when the babies do come, you will be helping me out as much as you possibly can. You’ll be a great dad our children will be proud of.

I don’t like arguing with you. But I love how I feel that on the few occasions it happens I am safe in the knowledge that we’ll make up quickly. Either by one of us making the other laugh by cracking a stupid joke, or offering to do something the other will appreciate. (You have become excellent at brewing my tea by the way.)

I love you because with you, my world is a better world and I am a better person. You bring out the best in me and you accept the things about me that I dislike but cannot change.

As cheesy as it is, I’ll quote John Legend when I say that what I love about you are “your perfect imperfections”.

Lucky me. I have you.